The Joke

Originally written in March 1993, I present to you the original:

Tormenting Telemarketers – A Game You Can Play at Home!

Everyone has gotten a call from a Telemarketer. The new Scourge of the Telephone System. Previously when the phone rang, you always wondered if it was someone you knew, or another schmuck with something to sell. Well, the time has come to turn the tables. We need to take control of our own phones. We need to take the “market” out of Telemarketing.


Telemarketers take the brute force approach to making sales. If you talk to a whole bunch of people, someone will buy what you are selling.


Waste as much of their time as you can. For each minute that you waste means several potential customers that will not be reached. Make Telemarketing unprofitable. Hanging up only increases the changes for them to make a sale. Don’t let this happen!


Most of the preliminary stuff is done by someone making minimum wage, and reads a script. Let them finish. It’s easy points, and you were watching Star Trek and weren’t using your phone anyway. It’s easy to keep them interested using “attentive grunting,” similar to when your mother calls.


Basic Point System:

10 pts – For each minute spent on the phone

15 pts – Getting transfered to someone who makes more than minimum wage

25 pts = For each minute spent on the phone with person making more than minimum wage

Bonus Points:

5 pts/each – Getting them to repeat part of the “script”

15 pts/each – Getting answers to stupid questions

50 pts/each – Changing the subject

175 pts – Making the sales person angry

750 pts – Making the sales person use profanity

1500 pts – Get their boss on the phone, and tell them the salesman used profanity

50 pts – Getting their 1-800- number

10 pts Posting their 1-800- number to as a free “Phone Sex” line

5000 pts – Checking the number a week later and it is busy or disconnected